Without earth no heaven

Where I last week swallowed ink in my dreams, which was kind of frightning, is there also a uncomprehensible feeling, an openness, a happiness translated now in tears, unrest. I don't know what is happening, I may not be totally in love, but I have no control. And that was a long time ago, or maybe it never happened before...

Music Music Music, I listen, I dance, I need it, and you might have other experiences with the same piece, it still fits somehow, because you have your detailed opinion and I just let it in and try to feel it. And we like the same music. We will go to a concert together next month. I am looking forward to it for over a year, you just like to go and also want to experience the building. And now you mention it, I realise I learn, and also want to absorbe it all, including the atmosphere, the setting... You enjoy life, that's what I like and what I need.
And despite I am so afraid of not being good enough, I can't keep up. I try to let go, and sometimes I can, or it just happens.. I just want to be me, and that's in fact what I am, but sometimes it doesn't feel like that..
I want to do crazy stuff, drive somewhere, dance, listen, have a drink, sleep in the car. Or just step on your doorstep with a basket filled with wine and bread, to drag you down to the park and just relax.. Or just say nothing for more than an hour, only wanting to touch your arm, feel your calm energy and cry or laugh. Send you ten poems who make no sense, or shock you. Or wanting to tell you about my past, which seems so far away, that I cannot imagine it was me once. Then just laugh about it, or be silent without judgement at all. Today realised I am healthier than I thought, just waiting for my true femality to come. And it will.

Without earth no heaven. That's what you are to me now.

Ruit

In een ruit gekeken
Zag ik een waarheid
Ik in het blauw
De kleinheid die ik zag,
Ooit voelde,
En welke sprongen een kat kan maken in het nauw

In een yogaruimte gelegen
Wist ik opeens heel even:
Ik ben

Nu deze kalmte
Mede via jou verkregen
Zoals een deken
Kan dempen
Iedere keer als ik bij je ben
En geweest
Echoot je energie nog een dag langer na in mijn wezen
Geen lamgeslagen geluk
Maar lucht en vooral gemak
Dat is bijzonder
Ook om terug te lezen..

Antony and the Piano

Such sensitivity
So in my head
Yet so filled with energy
Divinity

So frigile
In 'Twilight'*
Only this scent of love
Her tones
In 'the Piano'
A vibration in my soul,
An orchester of violins
So pure and emotional,
Radiant and helpful
Like my stones

I am honest
As my longing for love exceeds
Will I see 'Daylight
And the sun'*,
Is this 'A fistful of love'*
Like it was before
Never again fight
Against me, my thirst, my needs
Am I your sister*,
'one Dove'*
Or even more?


WX
*All songs of Antony and the Johnsons

Step

Yesterday I went to a meeting where there was a guest speaker who invited us to look behind the I, Ego, to find out where we come from/ who we are. Before I went I had a frustrating working day and I was pretty tensed as I didn't know what to expect of such an evening. But I went. The man who invited me, a special man who reads toes and does cranio sacral treatments, picked me up afer I took the bus and when we arrived at his house, the other people came and the guest speaker who I met once in september was also there. There was a friendly atmosphere with all kinds of nice people, 10, young and old.

The evening was an interaction, like a Satsang, but with no agenda or intention to persuade or convince others. He just sat there in the living room talking about the Self, answering questions, who we really are and that in the space between two seconds you could experience he source of who you are, we all are. Nothing, or something indescribable. In fact it doesn't matter, nothing matters, when you are connected to that source. It's like the sun, who aways shines, without purpose, striving, endlessly, even if you close the curtains.
He was able to see through or connect by looking into your eyes.
I felt such a peace coming over me, colors changed in the living room, and sometimes I had a smile which came from my toes. I don't think I experienced the feeling between the two seconds- I think I have too much (un)consious resistence- but I could understand well what he must have meant by it. And by writing that I understood, it doesn't make sence because the the mind is working at that point. To experience the sensation, the source, you don't need/ have a state of mind.. I can hardly describe what has been said those hours, I just felt peace and somewhat carried. I started to understand that all my actions were Ego-labelled and that my pure Self needed nothing, but just being. No work, no longing, no motivation.. A confrontation also, but not a harsh one. It's love that counts, a love that is there without any intention.
The people were interested in the material but some were sceptic, but all was ok.

Back to 'normal life' at home (late), I felt fulfilled and more quiet than a long time..
Speaking of letting it flow...
I am so glad I went there,that I took the step to go beyond my fears. It was special, although I realise also more than ever I have a long way to go.

Thank you for reading.
May you all be well!

Let it flow!

Good day,
It's Sunday morning, I'm not totally awake yet..Feeding myself with mango, tea and coffee. Still no wireless connection... But connection. Outside it looks sad, like it's autumn, stormy and rainy. But still, no complaints. I have plans to go for a walk later on, pay a visit to my tree, we'll see. Also there lots of mess to clear and paperwork to do.. My basement for example, it's totally filled with stuff I don't know what to do with. There's hardly room for my vacuum cleaner! Annoying it gets. And my administration needs to be sorted as well. Those are not my things really, but this week I saw an email in my inbox, about clearing things, giving away stuff and not holding on too much to things, leave an empty space open all the time and make some room for the new! Yes... Let it flow...
That explains why I'm financially broke at the moment and have to pay all kinds of unexpected things suddenly. (My boiler wasn't working properly, and although I have a service contract, replacement of parts costs extra, I got an extra acupuncture invoice, which I thought I had already paid last month). It's also Mercury Retrograde (astrological influence until Feb 1st) if u ask me. Lots of things are not working properly or are standing still. Think of traffic, trade, communication, contracts, gear, machines..

At work, on one of the departments I work it's also standing still. By lack of communication I feel very insecure, not taken seriously, ignored, deadly tired and frustrated. Hopefully I can switch to the other department soon, because I feel it's not healthy for me staying there much longer. It triggers me to feel bad about myself and into punishing behaviour. I cannot show the emotions who are rising at that time, it's inside me all the time and when it has to come out, I surpress it with food, wine or very negative thoughts about myself. I get paralyzed.

And that is exactly not what I need.. My vata (Ayurvedic) is disturbed and I need rest, mildness, calmness. Not that the job at the other department (as social worker- coach of people who are being activated into volunteer jobs after being unemployed for a very long period of time) is a quiet job.. On the contrary. But it gives more fullfilment, a challenge, a wider view.
I received an Ayurvedic massage two days ago- thanks to one of my best friends- and it was very very good.. I was totally set in hot herbal oil, even my hair.. It was gentle but very effective, and I left the oil on my body till the next day, so my skin still feels kind of soft.

So, yes...let it flow!

There is...

A year after..
There is..
Thankfulness
Deep regret
Some lessons learned
A snif of forgiveness
Bliss

Coming to my senses,
I say Yes
There is..

Only is there
Ever enough?
For My Ego
Is still bossing
Never humble
Making things tough
Unfair

There is...
So much
I feel but don't see
There is..
A tiny bit of me

Thank you
Universe, spirits and souls
For every day
And having the chance
To get up
Do it my way
Doing my dance
In both captivity and freedom

Mercury Retrograde

One year after...
There should be celebration
Because of survival
The lessons learnt
And doing well

Instead
There's only frustration
Of non-acceptance
Fear; nothing earned
And resistance of every cell

Crisps of anger
Instead of the creamy white
Want the love so tender
But it's only me that bites

Please,
Why is is this so painful
Why this wave in life
Again the denial
Is it mercury retrograde
Loneliness
A neverending file
Or my Ego, willing to be in this state?

Will I fade?