Was last weekend a total disaster for me, this week was different.
Decided to (temporary) let go of a person I was too attached to, of some of my habits-overeating- and although it was terribly busy at work, I let other people in, I discovered things, got and found myself in a very strange state of mind.... Hyper but also eager to go, filled with inspiration, more in contact with my guides and inner self and with more trust in myself. It sounds like I was totally imbalanced and maybe you're right, but there's something going on!
Am reading about Avalon and spiritual places in nature, alignment, the leylines- lines that were powerful energy places throughout history, and later in Christian times points to build churches and monasteries (as nothing is being founded somewhere without a reason!) I recognise myself in the literature, I think it will it deepen my contact with nature, because I want to understand! Lately I have found out that having contact with trees works so good for me. I visit some weekly and just sit against them for a while or just greet or touch them during my walk. They give me comfort, safety, strenght or just some light. Before I started doing that, I always felt deep emotions or peace whenever I was in the forest or surrounded by 'green'... The colour, the leaves.. And now, I can sometimes see the magic: the endless rows of trees, connected by branches or just standing there in an open field, lonely but proud. Just being there and giving.
This week I felt somehow I was on some kind of a right track... When/ how the puzzle will fall together, I am not sure, but there must be some kind of link to my roots or something that is inside me. I enlisted to a walk with a guide in june who knows much about the earth's energy and leylines and I'm really looking forward to join in, to learn and experience...
Unfortunately this weekend was exhausting because of helping my friend who was moving with her family from one part of the country to the other. Still, I feel different. In general, sometimes feeling tired, miserable and swollen yes, but also with more dignity and peace...only a tiny bit, but still..
Thank you, the ones who always see the bright side in me and unconsiously giving me a hand...
X
P.S. Did I mention that I'll probably have a new job soon? :-)
zondag 25 mei 2008
woensdag 7 mei 2008
Zahir
I’m reading ‘the Zahir’ of Paulo Coelho. It’s touching me deeply in my soul…I dream of a life of the main character as described in the book. The passion, the feelings he has to go through. ‘Zahir’ is Arabic, from the 18th century, meaning visible, present, when in contact-slowly it will be impossible to get it out of one’s head, so it will be hard to concentrate on other things, almost an obsession …
Suddenly, while I was reading the book, I realised what my Zahir once was. It was my past, my first love, when I was too young to know what love was. Yasin. He was my drive towards my choices for along time, unconsciously. I studied Turkish and Islamic architecture and history. I loved it but when the years went on and my studies were ending, I didn’t know what to do with it. Yasin was gone for a long time, had build up a life in England, I found out later. I did my thing, had boyfriends, had fun. I also had my bad experiences with Turkey, his friend was a mirror to my self hate. But all that time he was the Zahir, my unconscious obsession, something I still don’t understand, because I was the one who turned down invitations since I was 16.
Later on, in my late twenties, I found him through google and we e-mailed some time, he was telling me he was happy and his wife was expecting a child- a daughter called Isabel. He turned out to be totally British, and didn’t know much of Turkey, hadn’t been there for years. And while I knew all the time he was not the one for me somehow, something drew me to do all this. Incredible. I let go a couple years ago, since our last e-mail contact, he now lives in Cyprus. I will not try to contact him, I wish him more than all the best. And I know he will do his best to be a wonderful father; he’s such a good-hearted person. And maybe I knew all the time that I didn’t deserved him, or somehow could never make him happy, because he just wanted to be happy and loving. For me it’s a lesson in being myself and doing what really is belonging to me. Because now, after all this studies, I still don’t know what to do with my life. Realising that a lot of time and energy is wasted and also I learned and met good friends through all this, it’s still something strange to me. The pieces of the puzzle have to fall together one day I hope.
I deeply hate myself for the Zahir, on the other hand it gave me the courage once to do what I wanted (or thought I wanted) and to be pure, without judgement. In secret I hope that there will be some Zahir- in any form- in my life again…..
Suddenly, while I was reading the book, I realised what my Zahir once was. It was my past, my first love, when I was too young to know what love was. Yasin. He was my drive towards my choices for along time, unconsciously. I studied Turkish and Islamic architecture and history. I loved it but when the years went on and my studies were ending, I didn’t know what to do with it. Yasin was gone for a long time, had build up a life in England, I found out later. I did my thing, had boyfriends, had fun. I also had my bad experiences with Turkey, his friend was a mirror to my self hate. But all that time he was the Zahir, my unconscious obsession, something I still don’t understand, because I was the one who turned down invitations since I was 16.
Later on, in my late twenties, I found him through google and we e-mailed some time, he was telling me he was happy and his wife was expecting a child- a daughter called Isabel. He turned out to be totally British, and didn’t know much of Turkey, hadn’t been there for years. And while I knew all the time he was not the one for me somehow, something drew me to do all this. Incredible. I let go a couple years ago, since our last e-mail contact, he now lives in Cyprus. I will not try to contact him, I wish him more than all the best. And I know he will do his best to be a wonderful father; he’s such a good-hearted person. And maybe I knew all the time that I didn’t deserved him, or somehow could never make him happy, because he just wanted to be happy and loving. For me it’s a lesson in being myself and doing what really is belonging to me. Because now, after all this studies, I still don’t know what to do with my life. Realising that a lot of time and energy is wasted and also I learned and met good friends through all this, it’s still something strange to me. The pieces of the puzzle have to fall together one day I hope.
I deeply hate myself for the Zahir, on the other hand it gave me the courage once to do what I wanted (or thought I wanted) and to be pure, without judgement. In secret I hope that there will be some Zahir- in any form- in my life again…..
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