Resistance

So many pigeon feathers
On the paths I wander
Which one really
Is destined to be mine?

I mostly pass them by
It's not a message
For me,
I bet
Not the right time
Yet

There we go again...
ME, I, MINE
Drowning in sorrow
My whole appearance
The doubt and fear
Again in one line

While the trees
Just are
Zen,
The wind is singing
And more than willing
To blow the tears away

And I resist
Crying
Picking up feathers

Why not give
It
Away

Nature, love and lightning

The spiritual walk (7th of June) was so amazing! I was brought up in that area, but there's so much to see there and feel. We detected water and leylines and felt the energy of the earth, trees and saw prana/qi in the sky (as flickering white-golden bullets; it's everywhere, just try yourself when you're somewhere in nature: look in the sky with relaxed eyes in silence, without focus. The dancing bullets will be visible then!) Some oak trees had really strong energies and it was wonderful to feel it from a distance. The guy who guided us was a very sober, funny man but on the same time very dedicated and emotional when it came up to his message, he even got tears in his eyes telling about the changes of the planet- the changing phase we are all in, 2012 etc. And he also knew so much of the plants, herbs and birds. I had good contact with him from the start. It was a special day and I was loaded with positive energy when I came out of the woods!

Now I'm going up and down, I'm very tired of intensive weekends, the job interviews- I will probably start with two new jobs in August, half as a PA of a director and half as a reintegration worker for unemployed and low-educated people. A challenge, but it also scares me to death..I have to be fit, sharp and embrace my fear to fail.. A whole of a job but I thought it would be good for me to discover what suits me, what my qualities are and I will learn so much more than I do now, working below my level, without fulfillment. How do people know when to make the right decision? Staying where you are or by trying? Or am I just torturing myself and is my Ego working here? Are people expecting too much of me? Am I expecting too much? I have moments of great confidence in all this and moments of panic, when feelings of failure overrule me already..

Last Sunday I walked home from the station in very bad weather and I got hit by the fear of being struck by lightning.. The fear of death was long gone, but so there and alive!
I am not friends with so called friend death, I want to live! and it suddenly frightened me to die suddenly because I haven't finished. At the same time I realised I have been playing with death for many years and it can be over at some point. I hope I may be healed . It's sometimes so hard being on your own but I will keep the faith somehow. Life's too precious.

Recommended: Eleven minutes- Paulo Coelho, it's all about love.
Jeff Buckley/ Antony and the Johnsons, his voice and lyrics are so beautiful! To speak of being expressive: this will make you cry or gain an inner smile!