The spiritual walk (7th of June) was so amazing! I was brought up in that area, but there's so much to see there and feel. We detected water and leylines and felt the energy of the earth, trees and saw prana/qi in the sky (as flickering white-golden bullets; it's everywhere, just try yourself when you're somewhere in nature: look in the sky with relaxed eyes in silence, without focus. The dancing bullets will be visible then!) Some oak trees had really strong energies and it was wonderful to feel it from a distance. The guy who guided us was a very sober, funny man but on the same time very dedicated and emotional when it came up to his message, he even got tears in his eyes telling about the changes of the planet- the changing phase we are all in, 2012 etc. And he also knew so much of the plants, herbs and birds. I had good contact with him from the start. It was a special day and I was loaded with positive energy when I came out of the woods!
Now I'm going up and down, I'm very tired of intensive weekends, the job interviews- I will probably start with two new jobs in August, half as a PA of a director and half as a reintegration worker for unemployed and low-educated people. A challenge, but it also scares me to death..I have to be fit, sharp and embrace my fear to fail.. A whole of a job but I thought it would be good for me to discover what suits me, what my qualities are and I will learn so much more than I do now, working below my level, without fulfillment. How do people know when to make the right decision? Staying where you are or by trying? Or am I just torturing myself and is my Ego working here? Are people expecting too much of me? Am I expecting too much? I have moments of great confidence in all this and moments of panic, when feelings of failure overrule me already..
Last Sunday I walked home from the station in very bad weather and I got hit by the fear of being struck by lightning.. The fear of death was long gone, but so there and alive!
I am not friends with so called friend death, I want to live! and it suddenly frightened me to die suddenly because I haven't finished. At the same time I realised I have been playing with death for many years and it can be over at some point. I hope I may be healed . It's sometimes so hard being on your own but I will keep the faith somehow. Life's too precious.
Recommended: Eleven minutes- Paulo Coelho, it's all about love.
Jeff Buckley/ Antony and the Johnsons, his voice and lyrics are so beautiful! To speak of being expressive: this will make you cry or gain an inner smile!
Posts tonen met het label paulo coelho. Alle posts tonen
Posts tonen met het label paulo coelho. Alle posts tonen
dinsdag 24 juni 2008
woensdag 7 mei 2008
Zahir
I’m reading ‘the Zahir’ of Paulo Coelho. It’s touching me deeply in my soul…I dream of a life of the main character as described in the book. The passion, the feelings he has to go through. ‘Zahir’ is Arabic, from the 18th century, meaning visible, present, when in contact-slowly it will be impossible to get it out of one’s head, so it will be hard to concentrate on other things, almost an obsession …
Suddenly, while I was reading the book, I realised what my Zahir once was. It was my past, my first love, when I was too young to know what love was. Yasin. He was my drive towards my choices for along time, unconsciously. I studied Turkish and Islamic architecture and history. I loved it but when the years went on and my studies were ending, I didn’t know what to do with it. Yasin was gone for a long time, had build up a life in England, I found out later. I did my thing, had boyfriends, had fun. I also had my bad experiences with Turkey, his friend was a mirror to my self hate. But all that time he was the Zahir, my unconscious obsession, something I still don’t understand, because I was the one who turned down invitations since I was 16.
Later on, in my late twenties, I found him through google and we e-mailed some time, he was telling me he was happy and his wife was expecting a child- a daughter called Isabel. He turned out to be totally British, and didn’t know much of Turkey, hadn’t been there for years. And while I knew all the time he was not the one for me somehow, something drew me to do all this. Incredible. I let go a couple years ago, since our last e-mail contact, he now lives in Cyprus. I will not try to contact him, I wish him more than all the best. And I know he will do his best to be a wonderful father; he’s such a good-hearted person. And maybe I knew all the time that I didn’t deserved him, or somehow could never make him happy, because he just wanted to be happy and loving. For me it’s a lesson in being myself and doing what really is belonging to me. Because now, after all this studies, I still don’t know what to do with my life. Realising that a lot of time and energy is wasted and also I learned and met good friends through all this, it’s still something strange to me. The pieces of the puzzle have to fall together one day I hope.
I deeply hate myself for the Zahir, on the other hand it gave me the courage once to do what I wanted (or thought I wanted) and to be pure, without judgement. In secret I hope that there will be some Zahir- in any form- in my life again…..
Suddenly, while I was reading the book, I realised what my Zahir once was. It was my past, my first love, when I was too young to know what love was. Yasin. He was my drive towards my choices for along time, unconsciously. I studied Turkish and Islamic architecture and history. I loved it but when the years went on and my studies were ending, I didn’t know what to do with it. Yasin was gone for a long time, had build up a life in England, I found out later. I did my thing, had boyfriends, had fun. I also had my bad experiences with Turkey, his friend was a mirror to my self hate. But all that time he was the Zahir, my unconscious obsession, something I still don’t understand, because I was the one who turned down invitations since I was 16.
Later on, in my late twenties, I found him through google and we e-mailed some time, he was telling me he was happy and his wife was expecting a child- a daughter called Isabel. He turned out to be totally British, and didn’t know much of Turkey, hadn’t been there for years. And while I knew all the time he was not the one for me somehow, something drew me to do all this. Incredible. I let go a couple years ago, since our last e-mail contact, he now lives in Cyprus. I will not try to contact him, I wish him more than all the best. And I know he will do his best to be a wonderful father; he’s such a good-hearted person. And maybe I knew all the time that I didn’t deserved him, or somehow could never make him happy, because he just wanted to be happy and loving. For me it’s a lesson in being myself and doing what really is belonging to me. Because now, after all this studies, I still don’t know what to do with my life. Realising that a lot of time and energy is wasted and also I learned and met good friends through all this, it’s still something strange to me. The pieces of the puzzle have to fall together one day I hope.
I deeply hate myself for the Zahir, on the other hand it gave me the courage once to do what I wanted (or thought I wanted) and to be pure, without judgement. In secret I hope that there will be some Zahir- in any form- in my life again…..
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