Without earth no heaven

Where I last week swallowed ink in my dreams, which was kind of frightning, is there also a uncomprehensible feeling, an openness, a happiness translated now in tears, unrest. I don't know what is happening, I may not be totally in love, but I have no control. And that was a long time ago, or maybe it never happened before...

Music Music Music, I listen, I dance, I need it, and you might have other experiences with the same piece, it still fits somehow, because you have your detailed opinion and I just let it in and try to feel it. And we like the same music. We will go to a concert together next month. I am looking forward to it for over a year, you just like to go and also want to experience the building. And now you mention it, I realise I learn, and also want to absorbe it all, including the atmosphere, the setting... You enjoy life, that's what I like and what I need.
And despite I am so afraid of not being good enough, I can't keep up. I try to let go, and sometimes I can, or it just happens.. I just want to be me, and that's in fact what I am, but sometimes it doesn't feel like that..
I want to do crazy stuff, drive somewhere, dance, listen, have a drink, sleep in the car. Or just step on your doorstep with a basket filled with wine and bread, to drag you down to the park and just relax.. Or just say nothing for more than an hour, only wanting to touch your arm, feel your calm energy and cry or laugh. Send you ten poems who make no sense, or shock you. Or wanting to tell you about my past, which seems so far away, that I cannot imagine it was me once. Then just laugh about it, or be silent without judgement at all. Today realised I am healthier than I thought, just waiting for my true femality to come. And it will.

Without earth no heaven. That's what you are to me now.

Ruit

In een ruit gekeken
Zag ik een waarheid
Ik in het blauw
De kleinheid die ik zag,
Ooit voelde,
En welke sprongen een kat kan maken in het nauw

In een yogaruimte gelegen
Wist ik opeens heel even:
Ik ben

Nu deze kalmte
Mede via jou verkregen
Zoals een deken
Kan dempen
Iedere keer als ik bij je ben
En geweest
Echoot je energie nog een dag langer na in mijn wezen
Geen lamgeslagen geluk
Maar lucht en vooral gemak
Dat is bijzonder
Ook om terug te lezen..