So many pigeon feathers
On the paths I wander
Which one really
Is destined to be mine?
I mostly pass them by
It's not a message
For me,
I bet
Not the right time
Yet
There we go again...
ME, I, MINE
Drowning in sorrow
My whole appearance
The doubt and fear
Again in one line
While the trees
Just are
Zen,
The wind is singing
And more than willing
To blow the tears away
And I resist
Crying
Picking up feathers
Why not give
It
Away
woensdag 25 juni 2008
dinsdag 24 juni 2008
Nature, love and lightning
The spiritual walk (7th of June) was so amazing! I was brought up in that area, but there's so much to see there and feel. We detected water and leylines and felt the energy of the earth, trees and saw prana/qi in the sky (as flickering white-golden bullets; it's everywhere, just try yourself when you're somewhere in nature: look in the sky with relaxed eyes in silence, without focus. The dancing bullets will be visible then!) Some oak trees had really strong energies and it was wonderful to feel it from a distance. The guy who guided us was a very sober, funny man but on the same time very dedicated and emotional when it came up to his message, he even got tears in his eyes telling about the changes of the planet- the changing phase we are all in, 2012 etc. And he also knew so much of the plants, herbs and birds. I had good contact with him from the start. It was a special day and I was loaded with positive energy when I came out of the woods!
Now I'm going up and down, I'm very tired of intensive weekends, the job interviews- I will probably start with two new jobs in August, half as a PA of a director and half as a reintegration worker for unemployed and low-educated people. A challenge, but it also scares me to death..I have to be fit, sharp and embrace my fear to fail.. A whole of a job but I thought it would be good for me to discover what suits me, what my qualities are and I will learn so much more than I do now, working below my level, without fulfillment. How do people know when to make the right decision? Staying where you are or by trying? Or am I just torturing myself and is my Ego working here? Are people expecting too much of me? Am I expecting too much? I have moments of great confidence in all this and moments of panic, when feelings of failure overrule me already..
Last Sunday I walked home from the station in very bad weather and I got hit by the fear of being struck by lightning.. The fear of death was long gone, but so there and alive!
I am not friends with so called friend death, I want to live! and it suddenly frightened me to die suddenly because I haven't finished. At the same time I realised I have been playing with death for many years and it can be over at some point. I hope I may be healed . It's sometimes so hard being on your own but I will keep the faith somehow. Life's too precious.
Recommended: Eleven minutes- Paulo Coelho, it's all about love.
Jeff Buckley/ Antony and the Johnsons, his voice and lyrics are so beautiful! To speak of being expressive: this will make you cry or gain an inner smile!
Now I'm going up and down, I'm very tired of intensive weekends, the job interviews- I will probably start with two new jobs in August, half as a PA of a director and half as a reintegration worker for unemployed and low-educated people. A challenge, but it also scares me to death..I have to be fit, sharp and embrace my fear to fail.. A whole of a job but I thought it would be good for me to discover what suits me, what my qualities are and I will learn so much more than I do now, working below my level, without fulfillment. How do people know when to make the right decision? Staying where you are or by trying? Or am I just torturing myself and is my Ego working here? Are people expecting too much of me? Am I expecting too much? I have moments of great confidence in all this and moments of panic, when feelings of failure overrule me already..
Last Sunday I walked home from the station in very bad weather and I got hit by the fear of being struck by lightning.. The fear of death was long gone, but so there and alive!
I am not friends with so called friend death, I want to live! and it suddenly frightened me to die suddenly because I haven't finished. At the same time I realised I have been playing with death for many years and it can be over at some point. I hope I may be healed . It's sometimes so hard being on your own but I will keep the faith somehow. Life's too precious.
Recommended: Eleven minutes- Paulo Coelho, it's all about love.
Jeff Buckley/ Antony and the Johnsons, his voice and lyrics are so beautiful! To speak of being expressive: this will make you cry or gain an inner smile!
zondag 25 mei 2008
Different
Was last weekend a total disaster for me, this week was different.
Decided to (temporary) let go of a person I was too attached to, of some of my habits-overeating- and although it was terribly busy at work, I let other people in, I discovered things, got and found myself in a very strange state of mind.... Hyper but also eager to go, filled with inspiration, more in contact with my guides and inner self and with more trust in myself. It sounds like I was totally imbalanced and maybe you're right, but there's something going on!
Am reading about Avalon and spiritual places in nature, alignment, the leylines- lines that were powerful energy places throughout history, and later in Christian times points to build churches and monasteries (as nothing is being founded somewhere without a reason!) I recognise myself in the literature, I think it will it deepen my contact with nature, because I want to understand! Lately I have found out that having contact with trees works so good for me. I visit some weekly and just sit against them for a while or just greet or touch them during my walk. They give me comfort, safety, strenght or just some light. Before I started doing that, I always felt deep emotions or peace whenever I was in the forest or surrounded by 'green'... The colour, the leaves.. And now, I can sometimes see the magic: the endless rows of trees, connected by branches or just standing there in an open field, lonely but proud. Just being there and giving.
This week I felt somehow I was on some kind of a right track... When/ how the puzzle will fall together, I am not sure, but there must be some kind of link to my roots or something that is inside me. I enlisted to a walk with a guide in june who knows much about the earth's energy and leylines and I'm really looking forward to join in, to learn and experience...
Unfortunately this weekend was exhausting because of helping my friend who was moving with her family from one part of the country to the other. Still, I feel different. In general, sometimes feeling tired, miserable and swollen yes, but also with more dignity and peace...only a tiny bit, but still..
Thank you, the ones who always see the bright side in me and unconsiously giving me a hand...
X
P.S. Did I mention that I'll probably have a new job soon? :-)
Decided to (temporary) let go of a person I was too attached to, of some of my habits-overeating- and although it was terribly busy at work, I let other people in, I discovered things, got and found myself in a very strange state of mind.... Hyper but also eager to go, filled with inspiration, more in contact with my guides and inner self and with more trust in myself. It sounds like I was totally imbalanced and maybe you're right, but there's something going on!
Am reading about Avalon and spiritual places in nature, alignment, the leylines- lines that were powerful energy places throughout history, and later in Christian times points to build churches and monasteries (as nothing is being founded somewhere without a reason!) I recognise myself in the literature, I think it will it deepen my contact with nature, because I want to understand! Lately I have found out that having contact with trees works so good for me. I visit some weekly and just sit against them for a while or just greet or touch them during my walk. They give me comfort, safety, strenght or just some light. Before I started doing that, I always felt deep emotions or peace whenever I was in the forest or surrounded by 'green'... The colour, the leaves.. And now, I can sometimes see the magic: the endless rows of trees, connected by branches or just standing there in an open field, lonely but proud. Just being there and giving.
This week I felt somehow I was on some kind of a right track... When/ how the puzzle will fall together, I am not sure, but there must be some kind of link to my roots or something that is inside me. I enlisted to a walk with a guide in june who knows much about the earth's energy and leylines and I'm really looking forward to join in, to learn and experience...
Unfortunately this weekend was exhausting because of helping my friend who was moving with her family from one part of the country to the other. Still, I feel different. In general, sometimes feeling tired, miserable and swollen yes, but also with more dignity and peace...only a tiny bit, but still..
Thank you, the ones who always see the bright side in me and unconsiously giving me a hand...
X
P.S. Did I mention that I'll probably have a new job soon? :-)
woensdag 7 mei 2008
Zahir
I’m reading ‘the Zahir’ of Paulo Coelho. It’s touching me deeply in my soul…I dream of a life of the main character as described in the book. The passion, the feelings he has to go through. ‘Zahir’ is Arabic, from the 18th century, meaning visible, present, when in contact-slowly it will be impossible to get it out of one’s head, so it will be hard to concentrate on other things, almost an obsession …
Suddenly, while I was reading the book, I realised what my Zahir once was. It was my past, my first love, when I was too young to know what love was. Yasin. He was my drive towards my choices for along time, unconsciously. I studied Turkish and Islamic architecture and history. I loved it but when the years went on and my studies were ending, I didn’t know what to do with it. Yasin was gone for a long time, had build up a life in England, I found out later. I did my thing, had boyfriends, had fun. I also had my bad experiences with Turkey, his friend was a mirror to my self hate. But all that time he was the Zahir, my unconscious obsession, something I still don’t understand, because I was the one who turned down invitations since I was 16.
Later on, in my late twenties, I found him through google and we e-mailed some time, he was telling me he was happy and his wife was expecting a child- a daughter called Isabel. He turned out to be totally British, and didn’t know much of Turkey, hadn’t been there for years. And while I knew all the time he was not the one for me somehow, something drew me to do all this. Incredible. I let go a couple years ago, since our last e-mail contact, he now lives in Cyprus. I will not try to contact him, I wish him more than all the best. And I know he will do his best to be a wonderful father; he’s such a good-hearted person. And maybe I knew all the time that I didn’t deserved him, or somehow could never make him happy, because he just wanted to be happy and loving. For me it’s a lesson in being myself and doing what really is belonging to me. Because now, after all this studies, I still don’t know what to do with my life. Realising that a lot of time and energy is wasted and also I learned and met good friends through all this, it’s still something strange to me. The pieces of the puzzle have to fall together one day I hope.
I deeply hate myself for the Zahir, on the other hand it gave me the courage once to do what I wanted (or thought I wanted) and to be pure, without judgement. In secret I hope that there will be some Zahir- in any form- in my life again…..
Suddenly, while I was reading the book, I realised what my Zahir once was. It was my past, my first love, when I was too young to know what love was. Yasin. He was my drive towards my choices for along time, unconsciously. I studied Turkish and Islamic architecture and history. I loved it but when the years went on and my studies were ending, I didn’t know what to do with it. Yasin was gone for a long time, had build up a life in England, I found out later. I did my thing, had boyfriends, had fun. I also had my bad experiences with Turkey, his friend was a mirror to my self hate. But all that time he was the Zahir, my unconscious obsession, something I still don’t understand, because I was the one who turned down invitations since I was 16.
Later on, in my late twenties, I found him through google and we e-mailed some time, he was telling me he was happy and his wife was expecting a child- a daughter called Isabel. He turned out to be totally British, and didn’t know much of Turkey, hadn’t been there for years. And while I knew all the time he was not the one for me somehow, something drew me to do all this. Incredible. I let go a couple years ago, since our last e-mail contact, he now lives in Cyprus. I will not try to contact him, I wish him more than all the best. And I know he will do his best to be a wonderful father; he’s such a good-hearted person. And maybe I knew all the time that I didn’t deserved him, or somehow could never make him happy, because he just wanted to be happy and loving. For me it’s a lesson in being myself and doing what really is belonging to me. Because now, after all this studies, I still don’t know what to do with my life. Realising that a lot of time and energy is wasted and also I learned and met good friends through all this, it’s still something strange to me. The pieces of the puzzle have to fall together one day I hope.
I deeply hate myself for the Zahir, on the other hand it gave me the courage once to do what I wanted (or thought I wanted) and to be pure, without judgement. In secret I hope that there will be some Zahir- in any form- in my life again…..
woensdag 16 april 2008
Les
Goud Es
Leer mij een les
Zo veilig, licht en open
Zie ik tegen jou aan
De zon
Flikkerend
Alles omzettend in goud
en in detail
Zie ik tegen jou aan
Het water
Met diamanten,
enkele regendruppels,
Bomen als spiegels,
Wolken als verwanten
Goud Es
Zo toegankelijk
Zo oneindig onvergankelijk
Je leert mij de les:
Ik wil mijn liefde delen
Goud Es
Ik trek recht
en word gedragen
Mijn tranen onbestemd
Jouw liefde en kracht is ongekend
WW15-4-08
Leer mij een les
Zo veilig, licht en open
Zie ik tegen jou aan
De zon
Flikkerend
Alles omzettend in goud
en in detail
Zie ik tegen jou aan
Het water
Met diamanten,
enkele regendruppels,
Bomen als spiegels,
Wolken als verwanten
Goud Es
Zo toegankelijk
Zo oneindig onvergankelijk
Je leert mij de les:
Ik wil mijn liefde delen
Goud Es
Ik trek recht
en word gedragen
Mijn tranen onbestemd
Jouw liefde en kracht is ongekend
WW15-4-08
Lente
Als de lente komt
Krijg ik tulpen uit Amsterdam
Interesseert het men geen zier
niet afgestompt maar
Alles behalve tam
Waar je ook bent: daar of hier
Lente
Alles groen en zelfs verlicht
Zin in rosé of witbier
Vooral
Als je tuinarbeid hebt verricht...
WW8-4-08
Krijg ik tulpen uit Amsterdam
Interesseert het men geen zier
niet afgestompt maar
Alles behalve tam
Waar je ook bent: daar of hier
Lente
Alles groen en zelfs verlicht
Zin in rosé of witbier
Vooral
Als je tuinarbeid hebt verricht...
WW8-4-08
maandag 21 januari 2008
After the Fall
After the fall my mind is eager to do everything like I used to do. I started working again today and it went rather ok. My collegues were nice and some people thought that I became Hindu or something, considering the fact that there's still a wound on my forehead/third eye. How funny, when you think of that! But I miss my daily life without pain... my yoga, dancing, my running with my collegues once a week... But it hurts, every cough, or stretch. So I must take things slow, and stay in the Now, and not be afraid of gaining kilos and especially not feel the fear when 'm biking which I did yesterday for the first time again. Sometimes I feel the Fall again, the pain and fear go straight through my teeth and I immediately feel the Bang and the panic, the cold and loneliness again.
To be realistic: I'm not feeling sorry for myself, but the impact is great. On the other hand, it's all about wounds that will heal, (except for the scars that hopefully will dissappear in time) so I'm still so grateful of not being internally wounded and alive. And I realise and see people around me who are incurably ill, and I truely have respect for those who live their live as good as they can, never give up and dealing with their illnesses every single day.
I ordered some CD's of Gabrielle Roth, (Dance your life/ the four rythms) and I'm looking forward to them, to try to dance on them... It will be a present for me- to heal and to move on on my path. I think it will be the most important gift to myself since a long time and I'm happy with that!
Thank you Universe, for my life, the loving people around me and for being me.
To be realistic: I'm not feeling sorry for myself, but the impact is great. On the other hand, it's all about wounds that will heal, (except for the scars that hopefully will dissappear in time) so I'm still so grateful of not being internally wounded and alive. And I realise and see people around me who are incurably ill, and I truely have respect for those who live their live as good as they can, never give up and dealing with their illnesses every single day.
I ordered some CD's of Gabrielle Roth, (Dance your life/ the four rythms) and I'm looking forward to them, to try to dance on them... It will be a present for me- to heal and to move on on my path. I think it will be the most important gift to myself since a long time and I'm happy with that!
Thank you Universe, for my life, the loving people around me and for being me.
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