Let it flow!

Good day,
It's Sunday morning, I'm not totally awake yet..Feeding myself with mango, tea and coffee. Still no wireless connection... But connection. Outside it looks sad, like it's autumn, stormy and rainy. But still, no complaints. I have plans to go for a walk later on, pay a visit to my tree, we'll see. Also there lots of mess to clear and paperwork to do.. My basement for example, it's totally filled with stuff I don't know what to do with. There's hardly room for my vacuum cleaner! Annoying it gets. And my administration needs to be sorted as well. Those are not my things really, but this week I saw an email in my inbox, about clearing things, giving away stuff and not holding on too much to things, leave an empty space open all the time and make some room for the new! Yes... Let it flow...
That explains why I'm financially broke at the moment and have to pay all kinds of unexpected things suddenly. (My boiler wasn't working properly, and although I have a service contract, replacement of parts costs extra, I got an extra acupuncture invoice, which I thought I had already paid last month). It's also Mercury Retrograde (astrological influence until Feb 1st) if u ask me. Lots of things are not working properly or are standing still. Think of traffic, trade, communication, contracts, gear, machines..

At work, on one of the departments I work it's also standing still. By lack of communication I feel very insecure, not taken seriously, ignored, deadly tired and frustrated. Hopefully I can switch to the other department soon, because I feel it's not healthy for me staying there much longer. It triggers me to feel bad about myself and into punishing behaviour. I cannot show the emotions who are rising at that time, it's inside me all the time and when it has to come out, I surpress it with food, wine or very negative thoughts about myself. I get paralyzed.

And that is exactly not what I need.. My vata (Ayurvedic) is disturbed and I need rest, mildness, calmness. Not that the job at the other department (as social worker- coach of people who are being activated into volunteer jobs after being unemployed for a very long period of time) is a quiet job.. On the contrary. But it gives more fullfilment, a challenge, a wider view.
I received an Ayurvedic massage two days ago- thanks to one of my best friends- and it was very very good.. I was totally set in hot herbal oil, even my hair.. It was gentle but very effective, and I left the oil on my body till the next day, so my skin still feels kind of soft.

So, yes...let it flow!

There is...

A year after..
There is..
Thankfulness
Deep regret
Some lessons learned
A snif of forgiveness
Bliss

Coming to my senses,
I say Yes
There is..

Only is there
Ever enough?
For My Ego
Is still bossing
Never humble
Making things tough
Unfair

There is...
So much
I feel but don't see
There is..
A tiny bit of me

Thank you
Universe, spirits and souls
For every day
And having the chance
To get up
Do it my way
Doing my dance
In both captivity and freedom

Mercury Retrograde

One year after...
There should be celebration
Because of survival
The lessons learnt
And doing well

Instead
There's only frustration
Of non-acceptance
Fear; nothing earned
And resistance of every cell

Crisps of anger
Instead of the creamy white
Want the love so tender
But it's only me that bites

Please,
Why is is this so painful
Why this wave in life
Again the denial
Is it mercury retrograde
Loneliness
A neverending file
Or my Ego, willing to be in this state?

Will I fade?

New Year

Finally there's a direction
Being supported
With affection
It won't be long
knowing my real destination...

Puzzles will fall into place
This immense force
Is strong
No more just pieces
Or falling on my face
I say goodbye to
Disgrace
Remorse
Distraction

Friends
Some left
Many new came
Some always stay
The same
My trees and stones
Which I am now faithful to;
I can only say
I love you

Let's take the action
To have magic times
To celebrate satisfaction
Let's share
Feel that light shines
Through
All
And let's dare
To be truly open
Follow our inner call

Ster

Ster

Vergeet niet om...
Tijdens alles dat bij traditie past
Ook even naar boven te kijken
Dat je een pauze inlast
Om te stralen als een ster
Een moment
Te beseffen
-Ookal is hij ver-
Dat jij er één bent
En niets minder
Verbonden
Met al dat is...

Wessy dec08

Gedoe

Ik voel me zo koud
Een warme kop thee,
Een druppel op een gloeiende plaat
Want de plaat gloeit niet
En geeft niet mee

Inwendig ook, de kilte
Mijn stemmen negerend
Die van vermoeidheid,
Eenzaamheid,
Het gebrek aan stilte
Achteraf vooral alarmerend

Hoewel wetend
Dat we allen sterren zijn,
Mee moeten geven
En hol
Als bamboe

Ik ben zo moe
Al tijden
Wil ik
Vecht ik
Maar wil ik niet meer
Dan liefde
Balans en van alles in die sfeer
Al tijden
Wil ik
Geen telefoon,
Zogenaamde allergie
Maar echtheid
Geen strategie
Maar aanraking
Een vader moeder kind
Een echte vrind
Een iemand die weet

Ik ben zo moe
Van al het gedoe
Dat leven heet

WW27-11-2008

Vandaag

Mijn keuze vandaag
is van mij
en volwassen
Ik hoef niet zo nodig door te slaan
Ik mag verantwoording nemen voor mijzelven;
ik kan het aan

Al twijfel ik iedere minuut aan alles
het geduw, getrek, gemanipuleer,
Vandaag heb ik weerstaan
iedere sfeer
en zijn geen mooie metaforen bedacht
voor dat wat is;
ik kan het aan

Er is
angst voor het leven,
verdriet en leegte,
angst voor oordelen,
kwaadheid over dat wat me is aangedaan
Mensen die me verlaten
en die ik laat gaan
omdat ze slechts stelen
of gewoonweg
niets toevoegen
aan mijn bestaan

Ik mag
kiezen
delen
optellen
me vervelen
zelfs verliezen

Ik ben nummer één
en ik maak best goede keuzes
Al zijn ze eenzaam,
met mijzelven ben ik niet alleen;
ik kan het aan

Wessy2 november 2008