Different

Was last weekend a total disaster for me, this week was different.
Decided to (temporary) let go of a person I was too attached to, of some of my habits-overeating- and although it was terribly busy at work, I let other people in, I discovered things, got and found myself in a very strange state of mind.... Hyper but also eager to go, filled with inspiration, more in contact with my guides and inner self and with more trust in myself. It sounds like I was totally imbalanced and maybe you're right, but there's something going on!

Am reading about Avalon and spiritual places in nature, alignment, the leylines- lines that were powerful energy places throughout history, and later in Christian times points to build churches and monasteries (as nothing is being founded somewhere without a reason!) I recognise myself in the literature, I think it will it deepen my contact with nature, because I want to understand! Lately I have found out that having contact with trees works so good for me. I visit some weekly and just sit against them for a while or just greet or touch them during my walk. They give me comfort, safety, strenght or just some light. Before I started doing that, I always felt deep emotions or peace whenever I was in the forest or surrounded by 'green'... The colour, the leaves.. And now, I can sometimes see the magic: the endless rows of trees, connected by branches or just standing there in an open field, lonely but proud. Just being there and giving.

This week I felt somehow I was on some kind of a right track... When/ how the puzzle will fall together, I am not sure, but there must be some kind of link to my roots or something that is inside me. I enlisted to a walk with a guide in june who knows much about the earth's energy and leylines and I'm really looking forward to join in, to learn and experience...

Unfortunately this weekend was exhausting because of helping my friend who was moving with her family from one part of the country to the other. Still, I feel different. In general, sometimes feeling tired, miserable and swollen yes, but also with more dignity and peace...only a tiny bit, but still..

Thank you, the ones who always see the bright side in me and unconsiously giving me a hand...
X
P.S. Did I mention that I'll probably have a new job soon? :-)

Zahir

I’m reading ‘the Zahir’ of Paulo Coelho. It’s touching me deeply in my soul…I dream of a life of the main character as described in the book. The passion, the feelings he has to go through. ‘Zahir’ is Arabic, from the 18th century, meaning visible, present, when in contact-slowly it will be impossible to get it out of one’s head, so it will be hard to concentrate on other things, almost an obsession …

Suddenly, while I was reading the book, I realised what my Zahir once was. It was my past, my first love, when I was too young to know what love was. Yasin. He was my drive towards my choices for along time, unconsciously. I studied Turkish and Islamic architecture and history. I loved it but when the years went on and my studies were ending, I didn’t know what to do with it. Yasin was gone for a long time, had build up a life in England, I found out later. I did my thing, had boyfriends, had fun. I also had my bad experiences with Turkey, his friend was a mirror to my self hate. But all that time he was the Zahir, my unconscious obsession, something I still don’t understand, because I was the one who turned down invitations since I was 16.

Later on, in my late twenties, I found him through google and we e-mailed some time, he was telling me he was happy and his wife was expecting a child- a daughter called Isabel. He turned out to be totally British, and didn’t know much of Turkey, hadn’t been there for years. And while I knew all the time he was not the one for me somehow, something drew me to do all this. Incredible. I let go a couple years ago, since our last e-mail contact, he now lives in Cyprus. I will not try to contact him, I wish him more than all the best. And I know he will do his best to be a wonderful father; he’s such a good-hearted person. And maybe I knew all the time that I didn’t deserved him, or somehow could never make him happy, because he just wanted to be happy and loving. For me it’s a lesson in being myself and doing what really is belonging to me. Because now, after all this studies, I still don’t know what to do with my life. Realising that a lot of time and energy is wasted and also I learned and met good friends through all this, it’s still something strange to me. The pieces of the puzzle have to fall together one day I hope.

I deeply hate myself for the Zahir, on the other hand it gave me the courage once to do what I wanted (or thought I wanted) and to be pure, without judgement. In secret I hope that there will be some Zahir- in any form- in my life again…..

Les

Goud Es

Leer mij een les

Zo veilig, licht en open

Zie ik tegen jou aan



De zon

Flikkerend

Alles omzettend in goud

en in detail



Zie ik tegen jou aan

Het water

Met diamanten,

enkele regendruppels,

Bomen als spiegels,

Wolken als verwanten



Goud Es

Zo toegankelijk

Zo oneindig onvergankelijk

Je leert mij de les:

Ik wil mijn liefde delen



Goud Es

Ik trek recht

en word gedragen

Mijn tranen onbestemd

Jouw liefde en kracht is ongekend



WW15-4-08

Lente

Als de lente komt

Krijg ik tulpen uit Amsterdam

Interesseert het men geen zier

niet afgestompt maar

Alles behalve tam

Waar je ook bent: daar of hier



Lente

Alles groen en zelfs verlicht

Zin in rosé of witbier

Vooral

Als je tuinarbeid hebt verricht...



WW8-4-08

After the Fall

After the fall my mind is eager to do everything like I used to do. I started working again today and it went rather ok. My collegues were nice and some people thought that I became Hindu or something, considering the fact that there's still a wound on my forehead/third eye. How funny, when you think of that! But I miss my daily life without pain... my yoga, dancing, my running with my collegues once a week... But it hurts, every cough, or stretch. So I must take things slow, and stay in the Now, and not be afraid of gaining kilos and especially not feel the fear when 'm biking which I did yesterday for the first time again. Sometimes I feel the Fall again, the pain and fear go straight through my teeth and I immediately feel the Bang and the panic, the cold and loneliness again.

To be realistic: I'm not feeling sorry for myself, but the impact is great. On the other hand, it's all about wounds that will heal, (except for the scars that hopefully will dissappear in time) so I'm still so grateful of not being internally wounded and alive. And I realise and see people around me who are incurably ill, and I truely have respect for those who live their live as good as they can, never give up and dealing with their illnesses every single day.

I ordered some CD's of Gabrielle Roth, (Dance your life/ the four rythms) and I'm looking forward to them, to try to dance on them... It will be a present for me- to heal and to move on on my path. I think it will be the most important gift to myself since a long time and I'm happy with that!
Thank you Universe, for my life, the loving people around me and for being me.

The fall

I fell. 12th of January, night time. I fell off my bike real hard on my face. Now everything is bruised, I feel terrible. Yes, I went out for the first time in months (first dinner, then pub) and yes it was late, but again I ignored my body which was very very tired, exhausted and somewhat hungry. Still I stayed longer than planned and then in a split sec there was blood, pain, tears. My eyes are purple, everything's woonded and swollen... I look like a woman who was terribly beaten up by her husband. I feel terrible and ashamed. I know, shit happens. But this has a meaning. Because now I'm so calm, I eat calm, I walk slow, I am more in the Now because I cannot be in the future, or think and worry of all (to me now) useless things, like (not)eating, sports, looks, what to do... I must heal first. And think of this accident which was given to me by the Universe. Why?

I was unthankful, not being myself, bored and restless. I am thankful now, because I am alive, and have no brain damage. I am thankful for my aunt and boyfriend who went with me to the docter's and brought me cheese and oranges. I am also so thankful for my parents who came as soon as they could with their love and groceries to take care of me. And in my heart it was so hard to accept their care, to let go. I was their child, which I asked for a couple of months ago.



I feel modest, ashamed of my actions, the fact that I still can't take care of myself, do what's good for me, my body and soul. I am truely sorry. I will not let this happen again. I must and will change. Life's too short and valuable. Despite the pain I say thank you.

Tulp

Ik kijk en zie
Bewonder
de onschuld van een tulp
haar eenvoud en magie
Haar oorsprong benijdend
daar waar ik ooit mijn hart in passie verloor
daar waar het ook brak
deels achterbleef, lijdend

De dans van een tulp
Zij groeit naar het licht
Zij is
en gaat staan,
fier
Opent dan volledig
kan vanaf dat moment door opening en sluiting
de duisternis aan
Totdat zij in stilte
kleur en bladeren zonder gêne verliest
en gracieus ten onder mag gaan

Zo is het
de dans van het leven
Leer mij de ritmes
van komen en gaan
de kunst van de eenvoud te eren
de dans van liefde verstaan

Mocht ik
mezelf zien in de onschuld van een tulp,
haar oorsprong benijdend
Mijn hart kunnen hervinden,
helen
Kruip ik uit mijn schulp
Overgave aan haar dans is bevrijdend.