donderdag 5 november 2009

Distance

It's time for some english writing...
There are some english texts and poems in this blog, but as it's not my mother tongue it works like covering up my sentiments or keeping them at a certain distance.
Now staying home with a flue and being over exhausted and dealing with myself again, it feels good writing in english again. Observing from a distance, like it's not about me. But no doubt it is!

It feels miserable, staying at home, being sick but not enough to be unaware of time, feelings, not like fighting with your whole body against some intruder. Just deadly tired and some fever.. Confrontations which are too hard to bear, feeling locked up in ur own house, the opposite of fleeing what I did the last couple of years. One big flight it was, from the real me, my feelings, emotions, the truth, the intruders of the big world outside and on the other hand the intruder called loneliness. In weekends I was with intruder loneliness sometimes, but that was temporary and I never allowed myself to cry, because it might would have been shown the day after...
Now the strange thing is that there's plenty of time to cry now, my mental state is not prepared, still always aware, not safe, I keep on oppressing, misleading it by food, tv or other means, so I cannot let go.
Am I this stucked in myself? What's going on? I know I cannot force things, but would love to let go all of my anger, fear, guilt, sorrow, pain. I cannot do this alone I guess. I asked for help, but the universe decided that this week there is no help, besides of some friends who offered to do groceries, which I ddn't need, as I could find the courage and energy to go outside to do it myself. I also feel that I don't want any visitors. I let two people in, who were on the door, but I let the phone ring most of the time. Who are my friends, who are not? What am I showing off, who's able to see the real me?
Yesterday I went walking, but my knee started hurting, I was a bit optimistic I admit but it's nothing for me, so I explained this as a sign again to take total rest. I don't feel sorry, actually I do sometimes, but I know who's to blame for this passive state.. Me. I want to be part of life again, fully but dfferent. But when I look in the mirror, only emptiness is seen.. It frightens me. Will I ever be what I want to be? grrrrrr... Reading Don Miguel Ruiz, we are perfect as it is. Our Creator is perfect and would never create something that was not perfect... I know it's true but it's hard to let in, to believe. As babies we were perfect. We are all living in a world of lies, we are all taught to be what we are not really are. And we believe all what is said about us, addicted to all judgements of our environement. We just want to be accepted, only being a good person according to the rules of the society we live in. But what about our deeper selves, what truely is inside us, our true being, the truth? If we see our environment as story tellers, artists, then we might see that only our inner self has the truth.
It's kind of shocking and it needs some practice, but I am willing to give it a try. Only now I need the environment to practice, which is lacking now... need to be healthy first, maybe cry so now and then, let go, meditate, learn to receive and give the right things and then I might be ready to take the challenge! I would love to walk the Camino as a start of a new life or maybe as the cream of the cake of that moment, to honour life...

I would love to find my twin soul, and when I'm ready, I will- as that's one of the reasons to be here and to experience ultimate completion. This week I realised there's nothing wrong with waiting for the right person, and I should not go for less..
Thank you wonderful people, starts, planets,plants and animals, you are all mirrors. I love you, as far as 'm able to and for the best I can.