After the Fall

After the fall my mind is eager to do everything like I used to do. I started working again today and it went rather ok. My collegues were nice and some people thought that I became Hindu or something, considering the fact that there's still a wound on my forehead/third eye. How funny, when you think of that! But I miss my daily life without pain... my yoga, dancing, my running with my collegues once a week... But it hurts, every cough, or stretch. So I must take things slow, and stay in the Now, and not be afraid of gaining kilos and especially not feel the fear when 'm biking which I did yesterday for the first time again. Sometimes I feel the Fall again, the pain and fear go straight through my teeth and I immediately feel the Bang and the panic, the cold and loneliness again.

To be realistic: I'm not feeling sorry for myself, but the impact is great. On the other hand, it's all about wounds that will heal, (except for the scars that hopefully will dissappear in time) so I'm still so grateful of not being internally wounded and alive. And I realise and see people around me who are incurably ill, and I truely have respect for those who live their live as good as they can, never give up and dealing with their illnesses every single day.

I ordered some CD's of Gabrielle Roth, (Dance your life/ the four rythms) and I'm looking forward to them, to try to dance on them... It will be a present for me- to heal and to move on on my path. I think it will be the most important gift to myself since a long time and I'm happy with that!
Thank you Universe, for my life, the loving people around me and for being me.

The fall

I fell. 12th of January, night time. I fell off my bike real hard on my face. Now everything is bruised, I feel terrible. Yes, I went out for the first time in months (first dinner, then pub) and yes it was late, but again I ignored my body which was very very tired, exhausted and somewhat hungry. Still I stayed longer than planned and then in a split sec there was blood, pain, tears. My eyes are purple, everything's woonded and swollen... I look like a woman who was terribly beaten up by her husband. I feel terrible and ashamed. I know, shit happens. But this has a meaning. Because now I'm so calm, I eat calm, I walk slow, I am more in the Now because I cannot be in the future, or think and worry of all (to me now) useless things, like (not)eating, sports, looks, what to do... I must heal first. And think of this accident which was given to me by the Universe. Why?

I was unthankful, not being myself, bored and restless. I am thankful now, because I am alive, and have no brain damage. I am thankful for my aunt and boyfriend who went with me to the docter's and brought me cheese and oranges. I am also so thankful for my parents who came as soon as they could with their love and groceries to take care of me. And in my heart it was so hard to accept their care, to let go. I was their child, which I asked for a couple of months ago.



I feel modest, ashamed of my actions, the fact that I still can't take care of myself, do what's good for me, my body and soul. I am truely sorry. I will not let this happen again. I must and will change. Life's too short and valuable. Despite the pain I say thank you.

Tulp

Ik kijk en zie
Bewonder
de onschuld van een tulp
haar eenvoud en magie
Haar oorsprong benijdend
daar waar ik ooit mijn hart in passie verloor
daar waar het ook brak
deels achterbleef, lijdend

De dans van een tulp
Zij groeit naar het licht
Zij is
en gaat staan,
fier
Opent dan volledig
kan vanaf dat moment door opening en sluiting
de duisternis aan
Totdat zij in stilte
kleur en bladeren zonder gêne verliest
en gracieus ten onder mag gaan

Zo is het
de dans van het leven
Leer mij de ritmes
van komen en gaan
de kunst van de eenvoud te eren
de dans van liefde verstaan

Mocht ik
mezelf zien in de onschuld van een tulp,
haar oorsprong benijdend
Mijn hart kunnen hervinden,
helen
Kruip ik uit mijn schulp
Overgave aan haar dans is bevrijdend.